Surly witches masquerading as Delta flight attendants

My travel day started at 6am with a shuttle to Phoenix, a 3 hour wait in the airport, a 4 hour flight to Atlanta a 2 hour layover and then an 8 hour flight to Madrid. When people ask why Americans don’t travel more, I think they forget how big our country is and how long it takes us to get away from it.

My sleep deprivation was not helped by nasty flight attendants. From the behavior of the flight attendants on my trip to Atlanta, I can only assume the Delta has “only surly miserable unhelpful people need apply” in their flight attendant job description.

I’ve taken the liberty of writing the rest of the questionnaire for them.

If you want to be a flight attendant on Delta flight 1546 from Phoenix to Atlanta, please fill out this questionnaire:

1. Someone buys a plane ticket and chooses a seat assignment that violates your security policy, which the ticket system allows them to do. You:

A: Realize that this is a glitch in the system and that Delta is responsible.
B: Blame the customer.

You chose A. You are not the candidate we are looking for.
You chose B! We’re excited! Go on.

2. The customer in question is a mother with a squirmy 9-month-old baby boy and a 50lb diaper bag that she’s been hauling through airports all morning. She sits in the seat she paid for next to another mother with a squirmy baby girl. You say:

A. “There’s no way of you knowing this, but I can’t have you both sitting in the same row. How about I move one of you to a different seat? So sorry for the inconvenience.”
B. “This is illegal. There aren’t enough oxygen masks in this row for all of you. One of you has to move.” And then stand there tapping your foot.

You chose A. Goodbye!
You chose B. We love you already. Please proceed.

The mothers look at you uncomprehendingly because they bought and paid for these tickets with no problems. You:

A. Present another seat option or bargain with another passenger to trade seats and then help one of the mothers schlep all her things to another seat while apologizing profusely.
B. Tap your foot impatiently and repeat “I need someone to move” while the desperate mother juggles her screaming baby and diaper bag and looks around a full flight of people who are careful not to look at her so they won’t have to move out of their aisle seats. Then you watch her move into a middle seat (without helping her) thus guaranteeing that she will disrupt the entire row every time the baby needs a diaper change.

You chose A. We don’t know how you made it this far but security is here to escort you out.
You chose option B! Welcome to Delta.

And that means that I traded seats with the poor mom and took the middle seat – which I didn’t pay for – because I can’t imagine anything worse than traveling with a 9 month old baby by myself unless it’s on a plane full of people being mean to me.

Also, a swift kick goes out to the man who looked straight at the mom with the baby and said “Oh no, I won’t switch with you. I like being on the aisle.” You sir, have been badly raised and your mother should be ashamed.

That is all.


PS: We’re in Madrid! Here’s a terrible picture!

20% less bitching tomorrow. Promise.

8 thoughts on “Surly witches masquerading as Delta flight attendants

  1. Love it!! I’m excited to read more already! You don’t get this kind of rude attendant behavior on Asian airlines, where they spill scotch on you then bring you a double while apologizing profusely and then dote on you the rest of the flight :) .

  2. Garth- they spilled the scotch on purpose, just to have a chance to dote!
    Kaitlyn- the guy in the aisle seat was raised by a Delta flight attendant, methinks.
    Enjoy Madrid! I’d put up with surly flight attendants to be somewhere fun like that right about now.

  3. Funny! Love the questionnaire. And you are downright Sydney-Cartonesque in your sacrifice. I would have switched seats, but demanded the baby as payment, then sold it for a tidy profit.

    I picked up your truck. It’s safe. Apparently in the summer months, the ticket attendants open the gates and leave early. So your twenty is untouched. It said something about wanting to be transfigured into martinis on your return.

  4. We’ve all had our nightmare flight experiences. Yes, Asian airlines do have wonderful staff however if you miss a flight even if it’s their fault there is NO refund! Just had a bad experience last week. Enjoy your trip and look forward to more experiences. Hope they are pleasant ones.

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