Sea Monkeys: Day #1
It’s Sea Monkey Day, which I’m sure you already knew. But for those of you who never read comic books and poured over the advertisements in the back, Sea Monkeys are advertised like this:
And as you can tell, they look exactly like mine.
These are pets? What are they? Who sells microscopic wiggles as “pets?” Why would anyone buy them? Who invents all these holidays?! Alright! Quiet down! One question at a time. You in the back. What was your question?
What are they?
Well, according to the website they are man made brine shrimp. Yes, man made. What does that mean? Well, I assume that means that someone acquired the power of God and created shrimp with his bare hands but could only make them super dooper tiny so instead of getting dinner out of it, he sold them to unsuspecting children. Next?
Whose idea was this?
I think that honor belongs to the friendly neighborhood neo-nazi Jew (not a typo…) named Harold Von Braunhut who funded the KKK in his spare time and also sold invisible goldfish that were guaranteed to remain invisible. In addition, he holds a patent for X-ray glasses, which I’m sure work just as well as Sea Monkeys work as pets.
Why would anyone buy sea monkeys?
Well, here’s what the other website says “In only five minutes you will actually hatch a whole tumbling, playful, happy troupe of Sea-Monkeys that are even more fun than a zoo full of chattering, howling jungle monkeys! World’s most amazing new pet, children and adults alike will laugh and thrill with wonderful excitement.” So I think the answer is because they are fun, happy, playful and thrilling.
How much fun am I having with my amazing exciting Sea Monkeys? Allow me to share a picture from day #3:
I can’t see anything. Will they ever be visible?
Good question! Unlike the invisible goldfish of the howling jungle, these monkeys are visible in that “I think this looks like bacteria I once saw through a microscope” sort of way. But if I want them to grow to Hulk-like proportions and be able to really compete in the tumbling thrilling marketplace of Sea Monkey-dom, I have this list of wonder foods to chose from:
All priced under $5, so I hope they take checks.
Are there any other interesting items on that list?
Yes, yes there are! I’ve put the “Port-a-Pet Pocket Aquarium Playpen” on my Christmas list hoping that when December rolls around I can put 6 of my favorite monkeys in my playpen, attach it to my belt with plastic clips and take them for a walk to “show them off.” People who really love me will get me an “Aqua Leash” as well.
Anything for the monkey with cold feet and a fear of commitment?
Another great question! It just so happens that for only $3, I can purchase Cupid’s Arrow Mating Powder for “shy monkeys afraid of marriage.” It has been guaranteed to give them a “quick trip to the altar” and fill my tank with “oodles of cute babies.” Apparently, monkey can’t access eharmony so we have to give them sea monkey ecstasy.
I have time for one more question, anyone got anything good? You there with the bow in your hair.
Are there any perks that come with Sea Monkey ownership?
Ah ha! Finally a question that allows me to boast about my credentials! If I wanted to, I could fill out this form:
and send some unknown entity at “Application for Diploma” a check for $16 payable to the Crustacean College and then I would become Gypsy Queen, Dd. D: A Doctor of Denizens of the Deep. And then you’d really be jealous!
I think that’s all the time we’ve got. Thanks for coming in! Go spend $15 and buy yourself some “instant life” in a packet!
Happy Tumbling Thrilling Playful Amazing Sea Monkey Day!